


Basic Modern Asexuality

by onemechanicalalligator



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Ace Jeff Winger, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Boys Kissing, Canon Autistic Character, Coming Out, Everyone Is Gay, Food Issues, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Self-Discovery, Stimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:26:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29254410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onemechanicalalligator/pseuds/onemechanicalalligator
Summary: Jeff comes out as asexual to the members of the study group, and his conversations with them help him better understand himself.
Relationships: Abed Nadir/Jeff Winger, Annie Edison & Jeff Winger, Britta Perry & Jeff Winger, Shirley Bennett & Jeff Winger, Troy Barnes & Jeff Winger
Comments: 32
Kudos: 81





	Basic Modern Asexuality

**Author's Note:**

  * For [imagined_melody](https://archiveofourown.org/users/imagined_melody/gifts).



**i.**

A few days after making a complete spectacle of himself at Howie Schwartz’s catastrophic bar mitzvah, Jeff finds himself knocking on the door of Britta’s apartment in the middle of the night. He doesn’t call or text first, doesn’t even know if she’s home, or awake, but he knocks anyway, because he’s confused and tired and for some reason she is the only person he wants to talk to. He won’t tell her that part. Doesn’t want it to go to her head.

She is home, and up, and she does answer the door, and he immediately freezes.

“Hey, you okay?” she asks, frowning at him. “Come in, come in.” She ushers him over to her couch and he sits down, grabbing a throw pillow and holding it pressed to his torso like a shield.

He means to say,  _ Sorry it’s so late, _ and  _ Thanks for letting me in,  _ and  _ I need to talk to you.  _ He means to mention the weather, or the funny thing Troy did during study group, or complain about whatever garbage they were serving for lunch in the cafeteria that day.

Instead, he opens his mouth and the words, “What did you mean by emotionally closed off?” come tumbling out without warning or permission. 

Britta sits down at the other end of the couch and blinks at him.

“What?”

“At the bar mitzvah,” Jeff says. “When you were trying to deflate my ego. You said that I was emotionally closed off in bed to the point that one time you didn’t come up because you couldn’t find parking.” He remembers it almost word for word, because he’s been replaying it in his brain ever since she said it.

“Ah. Right.” Britta nods. “Honestly, I meant exactly what I said,” she says with a shrug. “No offense, but having sex with you, it was like...like you didn’t care. Like maybe you weren’t even  _ you. _ All your...charisma and charm and...and whatever...it just disappeared. All of a sudden there was no connection.”

“Ouch,” Jeff mutters, meaning to sound sarcastic, but it comes out hollow. 

“That can’t be news to you,” Britta says. “Like, you can tell, right? That you’re different in bed? Or is that just how it was with me?”

“Not just you,” Jeff says quickly. “I know, I know how I am, I just…” He swivels around on the couch so his back is to Britta, still clutching the pillow close to him. “Sorry,” he says. “I want to have this conversation, I just...can’t do it while I’m looking at you.”

“Okay,” Britta says, and that’s it, and it’s quiet, and it’s Jeff’s turn to speak again.

“I think I might be broken,” he whispers, and then he feels Britta’s hand on his back, rubbing it in circles. He takes a slow, deep breath and lets it out.

“You’re okay,” Britta says quietly, and Jeff nods and takes another breath.

“Did you know I used to think I was gay?” he asks without meaning to, because he apparently has no filter tonight, he keeps just speaking without thinking. He’s usually so careful, considering every word that comes out of his mouth. Precisely so something like  _ this _ doesn’t happen. 

“No,” says Britta thoughtfully. “I didn’t know that.”

“I thought being with a guy might feel different,” Jeff scrambles to explain. “I thought maybe I’d  _ feel _ more. I’d...want it more.”

“It?” Britta echoes.

“Sex.”

“Right.” Britta pauses. “So, did you ever sleep with a guy? Was it different?”

“No,” Jeff says. “I mean, yes, I slept with a lot of guys. But it was pretty much the same. That’s— that’s when I decided I must be bisexual. Not, like, out loud to anyone. Just...me. I knew. That that was what I was.”

“Because it was the same with both men and women,” Britta clarifies slowly.

“Yeah.” His voice is quiet, even to his own ears.

“Because you  _ didn’t  _ feel more — or want it more — with a guy, as opposed to a girl.”

“Yeah.” He clutches the pillow closer, his hands shaking.

“Okay,” Britta says. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah.” He squeezes his eyes shut.

“Do you  _ ever _ enjoy sex?  _ Have _ you ever enjoyed it?”

Jeff opens his eyes and finally turns around so that he’s facing Britta again, although he doesn’t look directly at her. He keeps his gaze down at the pillow he’s holding, pretends that’s who he’s talking to.

“I mean, it’s fine, I guess? It’s not my favorite thing, but I don’t, like,  _ mind _ it or anything.” He pauses. “I don’t  _ think _ I mind it,” he adds shakily. “At least, not  _ all _ the time.”

“Hey,” Britta says. “Can I come sit by you?”

Jeff nods, and Britta scoots next to him and drapes an arm around him. 

“Can I ask you a question?” Jeff says.

“Yeah, of course.” Britta begins to rub his shoulder.

“Is it supposed to be more than that?” Jeff’s voice is still quiet, hesitant, and he can’t believe he’s letting someone hear him like this. “Is it supposed to be  _ better _ than that? I’ve seen, like, movies and stuff, obviously. But is that what it’s actually supposed to be like? Is that real life, too?” He looks up at her. “Is there something wrong with me? Am I doing something wrong?”

_ “No,” _ Britta says quickly, almost before Jeff even finishes his question. “No, of course you’re not doing anything wrong, Jeff.”

“But there  _ is _ something wrong, isn’t there?” he says desperately. “I’m missing something. Because I’ve slept with so many people, Britta. Guys and girls. And it’s always the same. And I keep thinking maybe I just need to find the right person, or the right kink, or the right circumstance, and then it’ll make sense, and it’ll feel  _ right, _ but—” He takes a breath and taps his fingers together a few times. “But I can’t  _ find  _ it, and I feel like I’m running out of time. Like I’m wasting all my time searching for this  _ thing,  _ this missing piece, except I don’t know what it looks like, or feels like, or how it’s shaped, or what parts it has, or how it moves, or what it  _ wants.” _

By the time he finishes speaking, Jeff can feel his eyes watering, and he tries to swallow down the lump in his throat. Britta doesn’t help the situation by throwing her arms around him and squeezing him, even though it’s incredibly comforting, and he finally shoves the heels of his hands into his eyes, as though he can just push the tears back in. When he moves them, though, he leaves wet streaks across his cheekbones.

“Jeff,” Britta murmurs when he’s calmed down a little, her voice quiet because her mouth is still right next to his ear. “You know that there’s nothing wrong with being asexual, right? It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, or that you need to be fixed. It’s just another identity. And it’s okay. You’re okay.”

Jeff pauses. He considers asking Britta to elaborate, to explain what she means, to define the word _ asexual, _ but he’s too exhausted after being so open with her. Instead, he gives her a hug back.

“Yeah,” he says. “Okay.” Inside his head he repeats,  _ asexual, asexual, asexual _ so he won’t forget.

“I’m always here,” Britta adds. “If you want to talk. Or if you need resources. Or whatever.”

“Thanks,” Jeff says. “I’ll remember that. I, uh, appreciate...this.” He gestures vaguely around as he pulls away from her, then stands up. “I’m gonna head home now, I think.”

“Good-night,” Britta says, and walks him to the door.

“Night,” Jeff replies, and heads toward his car.

He thinks about it as he walks to the parking lot, and as he drives home, and as he walks up to his condo, and as he goes inside and pours a glass of scotch. Then he settles down in front of his laptop and opens Google and searches for  _ asexual. _

**ii.**

It isn’t just that Jeff has always assumed there must be something wrong with him. The hardest thing to deal with has really been the suspicion — no, the  _ certainty _ — that Jeff somehow did this to  _ himself.  _ He looks at the traumas he has collected over the years, the cracks in his facade and the fissures in his heart and the ocean of fear that constantly threatens to drown him, and all he can think about is how he  _ did this. _

When he was younger, he thought maybe it was because of his father. That he disliked physical intimacy because a childhood under William Winger’s fists led to a fear of being touched by anyone. 

Later on he blamed his food issues and body image problems. If he couldn’t stand to see himself naked, how on earth could he want anyone else to?

As an adult he tried medication a couple of times, to manage his depression and anxiety. It was easy to convince himself then that disinterest in sex was just another side effect.

Now, though, as he does more research, learns about the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction, the different ways different people experience both or one or none, Jeff feels a sense of betrayal. He’s not sure where it’s directed exactly, but he can’t help but wonder what it would have been like if he’d had access to all of this knowledge when he was growing up.

If someone had said to 11-year-old Jeff,  _ it’s okay that you don’t want to kiss Tina by the swingset, _ would he have felt less like a freak at recess when he turned her down and Joey called him a prude?

If someone had explained to 15-year-old Jeff,  _ you don’t have to experiment sexually if you don’t want to, and you’re not alone,  _ would he have still let girls into his bedroom to mess around while he just waited for it to be over, trying to ignore how uncomfortable and ashamed he felt?

If someone had assured 22-year-old Jeff that he was allowed to have crushes on whoever he wanted, and that didn’t necessarily mean he had to sleep with them, would he have spared himself a few years of hooking up with men in dive bars, trying desperately to feel something?

Jeff reads through pages and pages of facts and figures and anecdotes and observations, all by and about  _ people like him, _ people he never even knew existed. Before he knows it, it’s four o’clock in the morning and he has shut the computer and curled into a ball on the floor behind the couch. He presses his back against it, feeling its solidity while he lets himself fall apart, gasping and sobbing and  _ mourning _ for everything he’s been missing all this time. 

It feels like a weight has been lifted off him. Like he can finally breathe. Like he’s found something that’s been missing for a long time, and now he is free, and real, and  _ Jeff. _

**iii.**

He doesn’t plan to come out to the study group. It doesn’t seem necessary or relevant for them to know about his sexual preferences, so he doesn’t discuss them.

When they each do find out — because  _ of course _ they do — it happens organically, one by one over the course of a couple of years. 

Britta knows, of course. She knew before Jeff did, which is a giant relief and also infuriating and a little bit embarrassing. In any case, he gives her a hug in the study room the next day and whispers, “Thank you again,” in her ear. 

“No problem, Ace,” she whispers back, and winks at him and clicks her tongue when he pulls away.

Jeff almost says something sarcastic, something witty and mean, but decides just to laugh instead. Britta is celebrating her win, and he won’t take that from her. She deserves to be happy, to feel useful. Their whole interaction the night before could have gone 100 different ways, and somehow it ended up kind of perfect. He doesn’t give Britta enough credit. (No one does.)

They walk to the parking lot together, and when they’re no longer surrounded by people, Jeff asks Britta, “How did you know?” 

“That you’re ace?” she asks. “Lucky guess.”

“I mean, how did you even know that was a  _ thing?” _

“I research things,” she says with a shrug, and Jeff raises his eyebrows at her. “What? Around the time I realized I was bisexual I got curious about all the different pride flags, so I did a Google search, and it turns out there are, like, a  _ bunch  _ of them. And then one thing led to another and I ended up down this whole Wikipedia rabbithole. And now I know about things.” She nods her head at the last part, looking proud.

“Well,” Jeff says, and he can’t help smiling at the look on her face. “I’m glad you did that. And I’m glad your door was the one I chose to knock on last night.”

“Me, too,” Britta says. 

“Thank you. Again.”

“You’re welcome again.” She holds her hand up to her mouth and stage-whispers, “I really,  _ really _ didn’t do much.”

“For me it was huge,” Jeff assures her, and then they part ways at his car.

**iv.**

When Troy finds out, Jeff doesn’t see it coming. They’ve finished up with the study group one afternoon and everyone is leaving when Troy comes over to him and asks if he wants to go get coffee. 

“I thought you didn’t like coffee,” Jeff says skeptically.

“I actually wanted to ask you to get ice cream,” Troy admits. “But coffee seemed more grown up.”

“Ice cream it is,” Jeff sighs, and they head to the cafeteria for soft-serve.

They sit down at a booth and Jeff wonders when the last time was that he hung out individually with Troy like this. It feels like forever, because he and Abed are generally attached at the hip. 

“Where’s Abed?” He asks cautiously, even though the two of them seemed fine a few minutes ago.

“Heading home,” Troy says without a trace of tension. “He said we should have this conversation one-on-one.”

“We’re having a conversation?”

“I have something to tell you.” Troy begins to fidget with his hands, then starts tapping out a rhythm on his knees. 

“Something that Abed already knows,” Jeff says.

“I mean, duh,” Troy says, rolling his eyes. “Annie, too. But everyone is gonna know eventually anyway.”

“Okay,” says Jeff. 

“Okay,” says Troy.

They sit in silence for a moment, Troy’s eyes darting around the room until finally he seems to come to some sort of decision and settles them on Jeff.

“I’m gay,” he says quickly, his eyes huge. He freezes like that, and Jeff is reminded of the time Pierce got LeVar Burton to come meet Troy at the hospital.

“That’s cool,” Jeff says, but Troy doesn’t move or respond. He waits a moment and tries again. Tries to sound reassuring. “It’s okay, Troy. There’s nothing wrong with being gay.” Troy still doesn’t move. Jeff waits a little longer, and then finally, desperate for Troy to give him  _ any _ sort of reaction, he says, “I, um, used to identify as bisexual, actually.”

That snaps Troy out of it, just as Jeff expected, and he braces himself for questions.

“For real?” Troy asks, and Jeff nods. “I had no idea. Thanks for telling me,” he says with a smile, and then pauses. “Wait— used to? You don’t anymore?”

“No,” Jeff says slowly, venturing into uncharted territory. “I realized a few months ago that I identify as something else, instead.”

Troy raises an eyebrow, but Jeff needs more encouragement than that. He’s literally never said this out loud to anyone, and he can’t believe he’s about to do it now, to Troy.

“How  _ do _ you identify now?” Troy asks. “I mean, if you don’t mind me asking. You don’t have to— I’m not trying to—”

“It’s okay,” Jeff says, before Troy completely spazzes out. “I brought it up. I just, uh. Need a second. I’ve never told anyone.”

“I’m the first one?” Troy squeaks, his eyes once again looking like saucers.

“Britta knows,” Jeff clarifies. “But that’s because she kind of figured it out for me.”

Troy tilts his head and Jeff stifles a laugh. He looks exactly like Abed.

Jeff takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. He puts both palms flat on the table. He feels ridiculous, but he also thinks it really is helping him calm down.

“I’m asexual,” he finally says, and he can feel his cheeks burning, and he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, and he didn’t realize how  _ hot _ it was in the cafeteria, and—

“You okay, man?” Troy startles Jeff out of the spiral and he shakes his head to clear it. Then he realizes Troy asked him a yes or no question, and he quickly begins to nod instead. 

“I’m good,” he says. “Sorry.”

“It’s cool,” Troy says. “Thanks for telling me. Uh, follow-up question?”

“Is it ‘what does that mean?’” Jeff asks, mentally preparing.

“Yup.”

“Okay, so, you know how you just told me you’re gay?”

“Uh, yeah, dude, it was like two minutes ago.” Troy raises an eyebrow at Jeff.

“Right. So you’ve realized that you’re sexually attracted to men and not women, right?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Okay, so the sexual attraction you  _ don’t _ feel towards women...I don’t feel that either, towards men  _ or _ women.” Jeff clasps his hands together in his lap and hopes that made sense.

“Huh.” Troy narrows his eyes like he’s thinking. “Okay. Wait, but— You’ve had  _ so much _ sex...”

“Yeah, I mean...I don’t experience attraction, but I’m not, like... _ incapable _ of having sex.”

“Do you  _ like _ sex?” The look on Troy’s face tells Jeff he’s never even considered this possibility before.

“It’s...not the  _ worst _ thing,” Jeff replies. “It depends a lot on the circumstances. I’ve had sex with a lot of people when I didn’t want to. I didn’t like that. But sometimes it’s okay, I guess. I, uh. Thought I was broken. For a really long time. So it was kind of cool to find out I’m not.”

Troy frowns. “Why did you have sex with people when you didn’t want to?”

“Well, why have you been sleeping with girls this whole time?” Jeff counters.

“Because I thought—  _ Ohh. _ Because I thought I was supposed to.”

Jeff nods. “Bingo. And also because…well, I guess because I was lonely."

"Lonely enough to sleep with someone when you didn’t want to?" Troy asks, looking sad. 

"It’s just… not wanting sex doesn't mean I don't want intimacy," Jeff tries to explain. "I guess I always thought that sex was just, like, a necessary obstacle to overcome in order to get to things like closeness and cuddling. Something I just needed to get past in order to feel wanted. That's why I was always so hellbent on pursuing people, like with Britta, or Michelle."

“Michelle?” Troy asks, confused. 

"Slater," Jeff clarifies. "I wanted to sleep with her and Britta because of what came after. And, you know, it never really occurred to me that there was anything strange about that, or that most people don't just endure sex to gain intimacy."

He closes his eyes for a minute, trying to process everything he just said, things he's never really thought about before, and certainly never said out loud. He wonders if it sounds as pathetic to Troy as it does to him. 

“I’m sorry,” Jeff says. “I didn’t mean to make this about me, or go into all that. I don’t even know if any of that made sense. It’s just...complicated.”

“It’s cool,” Troy says. “It made sense, don’t worry. It just kinda also made me want to give you a hug.  _ Can _ I give you a hug?”

Jeff nods, and Troy comes around to his side of the table and squeezes him tight. Jeff can feel himself relax, and he hugs Troy back.

“Hey, Jeff?” Troy says tentatively when he lets go.

“Yeah?”

“My brain is a little wrinkled, but...I’m really glad you figured that out about yourself. And felt comfortable telling me.” He gives Jeff a small smile, and Jeff smiles back. 

“And I’m really proud of you for coming out to me,” Jeff says. “I’m guessing this process hasn’t been easy for you.”

“Thanks,” Troy says. “It hasn’t, but...Abed and Annie helped a lot.”

“Can I ask  _ you _ a question?” Jeff asks, thinking of something.

“Is it, are Abed and I dating now that I’m gay?” Troy asks, giving Jeff a pointed look.

“Yes,” Jeff says sheepishly.

“No,” Troy replies. “We’re not. We don’t… That’s not the kind of relationship we have. Or want.”

“Fair enough.” Jeff is glad to have this information, even if he’s not quite ready to think about why.   
  


**v.**

Jeff’s first plan of action with Shirley, ever since she made it her personal mission to set Jeff up with a “nice respectable girl,” has been to distract and evade. But after the third time that Shirley brings up a girl and Jeff manages to slip away, she’s clearly getting irritated. He expects her to yell at him, or to guilt trip him, or threaten him. Instead she invites him over to her house, and he’s so surprised that he agrees before he even knows what he’s doing.

“Come on in,” she says the next afternoon when Jeff arrives, ushering him inside. “Andre and the boys are out of town — visiting the grandparents. I didn’t want to miss class.” She lowers her voice. “And between you and me, sometimes it’s just nice to have a break.”

“That’s fair,” Jeff replies, sitting down on the couch. 

Shirley grabs them each a glass of water and then sits down in the recliner across from Jeff.

“Are you wondering why I invited you over?” she asks.

“Yeah,” he says. “No offense, we’ve just...never done this before.”

Shirley smiles. “I wanted to explain myself a little bit. I may have been unfair to you. I’m sure you’ve noticed I’ve been trying to find a date for you…”

“Oh, I noticed,” Jeff mutters.

“Right,” Shirley says. “Look, I’m really not trying to meddle. I just want to see you happy, Jeffrey. And I thought if I could help make that happen, I should at least try. I hate to think of you all alone just because you never met the right person. I really thought you and Britta were going to end up together, but it seems like that’s not meant to be. I was just trying to help.” She pauses. “I might have gone overboard. I just care about you, that’s all.”

Jeff sighs. “I just wish you’d talked to me about it,” he says. “I wish that we could have had this conversation  _ first. _ So that I could explain to you that I’m not interested, and you wouldn’t have to waste your time.”

“You’re not interested in any of the girls I mentioned?” Shirley asks, looking a little hurt.

“I’m not interested in any girls,” Jeff says. 

Shirley’s eyes widen. “First Troy, now you?”

“I’m not gay,” Jeff says. “I’m not interested in any guys, either.”

Shirley’s face goes from slightly suspicious to very puzzled, and she looks at Jeff as though she’s waiting for an explanation.

“It’s not—” he begins, and then starts again. “It’s complicated. And not conducive to matchmaking attempts.”

“Honey, are you saying you  _ want _ to be alone forever?” Shirley asks, and now she just looks sad.

“No,” Jeff says. “But— Okay. Here it is. I’m asexual. I don’t want to have a sexual relationship with anyone. Period. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to  _ be  _ with anyone. I still like the idea of a romantic relationship, if there were some way to make that work. But you can see how that’s tricky.”

Shirley nods slowly, like she’s trying to understand.

“Honestly,” Jeff says, “I don’t feel at all confident that I’ll ever find that kind of relationship. That’s a lot to ask of a person. So yes, I’ll probably end up alone, and I think I’m okay with that. In any case, I’d really prefer that you lay off the matchmaking, because this is just...really personal, and I’m not very good with personal.” He looks at Shirley with an expression that he hopes says, _Please just let it go._

Shirley purses her lips and thinks for a moment before she speaks.

“I’ll stop trying to set you up,” she says. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t realize. But I’m also not sure I understand, because I’m sure you and Britta were sleeping together just a couple of years ago.”

“We were,” Jeff agrees. “I didn’t really put the pieces together about my sexuality until fairly recently.”

“So up until then you thought you were straight? And then you just...changed?”

“Okay, well, first of all, I identified as bisexual, not straight.” Shirley’s eyebrows go up, but she doesn’t interrupt. “And I didn’t change at all,” Jeff continues. “Up until that point, I didn’t realize that identifying as asexual was an  _ option. _ I didn’t know there was a reason that I didn’t want to have sex. I thought I was doing something wrong.”

Jeff is staring down at his hands, but when Shirley doesn't say anything for a long time, Jeff finally looks up to find her sitting frozen with her hand over her mouth and her eyes open wide.

“Oh god, are you okay?” he asks. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“You’re fine, Jeffrey,” she says softly. “You’ve just…given me a lot to think about. In terms of options. That I didn’t realize existed.”

“I have?” Jeff blinks. “A lot to think about...about  _ yourself?” _

She nods hesitantly. “I’m just starting to put together some pieces of my own, I guess.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yes,” Shirley says. “But not right now.”

“Call me any time,” Jeff says. “Whenever you’re ready.”

“I will.” She gives him a weak smile. “Thank you. So much.”

“Thank you for understanding about me,” Jeff says, and she nods.

He stands up and gives her a long, tight hug before he leaves.

**vi.**

Jeff doesn’t expect to end up coming out to Annie when he finds her kicking rocks against a tree in the quad one afternoon, months later, but that’s how it begins. He approaches her from behind as she kicks one particularly violently, and when he speaks she jumps a mile.

“What did that tree ever do to you?” he asks. “Also, you’re going to ruin your shoes.”

Annie whips around, her hand on her chest, eyes wide. 

“How long have you been there?” she gasps.

“Three, maybe five seconds?” Jeff guesses. 

“Oh.”

“You doing okay?” Now that he can see her face, Jeff can see that she’s clearly upset about something. As he speaks, her face begins to crumple, and he guides her away from the tree and toward a bench.

“I just…” Annie wails, wringing her hands. “I don’t know what to do.”

“About what? Can I help?”

“It’s dumb,” Annie warns. “It’s just...there’s this person that I’ve been on a few dates with. And I know they want to—” She raises her eyebrows.  _ “Take things further.” _

“He wants to sleep with you,” Jeff surmises. “And you don’t want to.”

“I just don’t feel like I know them well enough yet, you know? I— I haven’t been with that many people, and I just—”

“Annie, you don’t have to justify anything,” Jeff interrupts. “If you don’t want to sleep with him yet, or even at all, you don’t have to. You don’t…  _ owe _ it to him or anything.”

“I guess I just...kind of feel like I do, though,” Annie says in a small voice.

“Look,” Jeff says, putting his hands on Annie’s shoulders and looking her in the eye. “I’ve been with a lot of people that I didn’t want to be with, either because I felt like I was supposed to, or I thought I owed it to them, or it seemed like the natural progression of things, or because they insisted. It’s taken me a really long time to understand that  _ none _ of those are valid reasons to do something you don’t want to do. And I need you to know that, too.”

“You’ve—” Annie begins, looking confused, then cuts herself off and starts again. “But you’re  _ Jeff Winger,” _ she says, saying his name like he’s a celebrity. “You can have any woman you want. You really slept with people even though you didn’t want to?”

“Pretty much all of them,” Jeff says without thinking, and doesn’t even realize what he’s said until he sees Annie’s face.

“I don’t understand,” she says, frowning. 

“I’m asexual,” he tells her, trying to sound casual. It’s been over a year and it still feels weird in his mouth. It’s just not something that he says out loud, really. Ever.

“Oh wow,” Annie says, her eyes growing wide. “Jeff, I had no idea.”

“I mean, I didn’t either, for a really long time. But...it definitely explains a lot of stuff, so...” He shrugs. “So that’s that, I guess. 

"That must have been really hard for you," Annie says sympathetically. "I mean, just thinking about…well, you know. All those girls…"

"Honestly, I just thought that that was how it was supposed to work," Jeff says. "I never considered the possibility of  _ not _ doing it. I thought being a man meant hitting on women. Like Quendra, or Sabrina, or Amber, or all those nameless men and women in my phone. You know, everyone says, this is what guys do. So I did it."

_ "Men _ and—" Annie says, but Jeff is on a roll, and interrupts her. 

"And maybe that's why I kissed you after the dance freshman year. Out of all the options, you were safe, because I knew I wouldn't be expected to sleep with you. And I know that's not fair to you, and I'm sorry I brought you into it at all. You didn't deserve that."

He puts his head in his hands.

“Jeff—” Annie says, and Jeff cuts her off again, his voice slightly muffled.

“And I thought I was bisexual for a long time, because I felt the same amount of attraction to both men and women, and I didn’t realize that the amount of attraction I felt was  _ none,  _ and I just kind of feel like my whole life has been a lie, like doing all the things I thought I was supposed to do got me this  _ reputation, _ and so now when I come out with this new information I feel like no one is going to believe me, because it makes no sense to them, because they don’t know how I’ve been feeling all this time—”

“Jeff,” Annie says, interrupting  _ him _ this time. “Jeff. I believe you.”

He looks up at that. “You do?” 

“Of course I do,” she says. “You know yourself better than anyone. And I’m glad that you’ve learned more about yourself, and I hope things are better for you now, and I’m really glad you told me.”

“Thanks, Annie,” he says, and sighs. "Anyway. Sorry. This wasn’t supposed to be about me. The point I was  _ trying  _ to make is, don’t have sex if you don’t want to.”

Annie nods. “Thank you. That… that really does help.” She pauses and digs her toe in the dirt, twisting her hands together. “Can I talk to you about something else that’s related to what we just discussed?”

“Of course.”

“Okay. Well.” Annie runs a hand through her hair and then looks up at Jeff. “It’s a she.”

“What?” 

“The person I asked for your advice about,” Annie says. “It’s not a guy. It’s a girl.”

“Oh!” Jeff isn’t sure what he expected, but it wasn’t that. “God, sorry for jumping to conclusions.”

“No, it’s okay,” Annie says quickly. “It’s a, uh, pretty new development.”

“Oh wow, so I guess your whole apartment is—”

“I know, right?” Annie throws up her hands and laughs.

“Well, cool,” Jeff says, and gives her a hug. “Congratulations. Do you— Are you identifying in a specific way?”

“I’m pretty sure I’m a lesbian,” Annie says, confidently. “That’s what I’m going with, for now at least.”

“I’m happy for you, Annie. Really.”

She grins. “It feels pretty good to figure this kind of thing out, doesn’t it?”

“It really, really does,” Jeff agrees. “And, hey, that doesn’t change my advice at all. Just to be clear.”

“Right,” Annie says. “I appreciate you helping me. It’s just, like...this is my first time dating a girl, and I don’t want to mess it up, you know? Be bad at it right off the bat?”

“Annie. Listen to me.” Jeff waits to speak until she meets his eyes. “If she pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to,  _ she’s  _ the one who messed it up.  _ She’s _ the one who’s bad at it. Not you. Okay?”

“Okay,” Annie says softly. Then repeats it again, slightly more confident: “Okay.”

“And hey,” Jeff adds. “I’m sure you’re not bad at it. Just don’t overthink it. You got this.”

“Thanks, Jeff,” Annie says, tapping her feet together.

“Anytime.”

**vii.**

Jeff doesn’t intend to ever come out to Pierce, because there’s no point and he’ll just be obnoxious about it.

But then one day Pierce tries to get Jeff to go on a double date with him, the way he did a few years ago at the STD Fair, and when Jeff tells Pierce he isn’t seeing anyone, Pierce comments on the fact that Jeff hasn’t gone out with anyone for a long time. 

Jeff tells Pierce that his dating life is his own business, and Pierce takes that as proof that Jeff is gay, and Jeff doesn’t even bother to correct him on that, because what would be the point? He just ignores him, as usual.

But Pierce won’t give it up, he keeps bugging Jeff and insisting that he just needs to get back out there, and maybe he’s just hung up on Britta, even though it’s been such a long time, and maybe he needs to move on...and finally, smothered in a combination of annoyance that Pierce won’t leave him alone and hope that maybe if he respects Pierce by telling him the truth, Pierce will reciprocate, Jeff decides to just be honest with him.

It goes pretty much exactly how he’s been imagining for the last couple of years.

“So, you’re basing your so-called sexuality around the fact that you can’t get a date?” Pierce scoffs, and Jeff rolls his eyes.

“Look, if you aren’t going to listen to me—”

“No, no, I get it,” Pierce interrupts. “But Jeff, you just haven’t met the right person yet. Trust me, I’ve been married seven times. I know all about this kind of thing.”

“That’s not it,” Jeff says. “That’s not it at all. Nevermind. Can we just stop talking about this?”

“Just let me set you up,” Pierce says. “I know you really well by now. I’ll find the perfect girl. Just give me a chance.”

“No.”

“The perfect guy?” Pierce brightens. “Is this all some kind of cover because you don’t want to admit that you’re gay?”

_ “No, _ it’s not—” Jeff runs his hands through his hair and then pulls at it in frustration.

“You can’t just give up on yourself like this, Jeff!” Pierce claps a hand down on his shoulder. “Look, I know it must be embarrassing to be  _ your age _ and not able to find a serious relationship, but swearing off  _ everyone _ isn’t the answer. You have to get back out there!”

“I can’t have this conversation with you, Pierce. I’m done.” Jeff walks out the door.

“I’ll be waiting when you’re ready to try again!” Pierce calls out. Jeff doesn’t stop.

From then on, every time Pierce brings up Jeff’s love life, Jeff walks away without a word.

**viii.**

With Abed, it doesn’t start or end with anyone coming out. For one thing, Jeff has known Abed is bisexual since their first year at Greendale. For another, he’s fairly sure Abed must already know about him, either from Troy or Annie or because he’s got crazy good observation skills and somehow just  _ knows _ things. 

No, it’s a different conversation that he’s having with Abed, one he’s practiced in his head a million times. One he’s terrified to have, and he knows if it were anyone other than Abed, he’d never find the courage to do it at all.

Jeff has had feelings for Abed for years. It’s one of the things that weighed heavily on him before he figured out he was ace, as he tried to reconcile the fact that he wanted to be with Abed all the time, be the most important person in his life, kiss him and cuddle him...with the fact that he couldn’t really picture them in bed together. Wasn’t sure how he would feel about sex with him. 

He’d spent so much time trying to figure out what that meant — if maybe he didn’t actually have feelings for Abed at all, or if his feelings were somehow inadequate or distorted or wrong. He’s never had a successful long-term relationship before, because every relationship has had this elephant in the room, the looming fact that Jeff is uncomfortable, that he’s faking sexual attraction, and he’s too afraid to say anything for fear of hurting his partner’s feelings. Up until this point, for Jeff, sex has felt like lying, and he could only hide the truth for so long before he’d break.

This time, he plans to start with all the cards on the table and let Abed decide what comes next.

He’s pretty sure that Abed likes him, and he wonders if he’s just waiting for Jeff to make a move, if he knows what a big deal this is for Jeff, or if he knows what Jeff is going to ask of him and it won’t be enough, and he’ll have to say no. Abed is kind and considerate, but everyone has needs and desires, and Jeff wouldn’t dare stand in the way of Abed being happy and fulfilled, even if it means that Abed will never be his. 

Eventually, he decides he can’t wait anymore. That whatever way things end up going, he just needs to  _ know.  _ He thinks Abed would still keep being his friend, even if they couldn’t be in a relationship. He  _ hopes _ Abed would still keep being his friend. He can’t stand the thought of losing him completely. 

He invites him over to watch movies, something they do on a fairly regular basis. When Abed arrives, he sits down on the couch, pulls an infinity cube out of his bag, and turns on the TV. Instead of looking for a movie, he waits for Jeff to sit down next to him.

“Are you okay?” he asks Jeff, tilting his head to one side.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jeff replies. “Why?”

“You’re bouncing your leg a lot. That’s normal for Troy. Not for you. And, no offense, you’ve kind of been acting weird around me for a while now.”

“Oh,” Jeff says. “Yeah. Well. I did want to talk to you about something.”

“Okay,” Abed says. He looks at Jeff expectantly.

“It’s two things, actually,” Jeff says, nervously wiping his palms on his jeans. “And I’m not really sure which one to start with.”

“Start by coming out as asexual,” Abed suggests, completely sincerely. “Then ask me out.”

Jeff stares at Abed open-mouthed, his brain screeching to a halt. He tries to say,  _ What?  _ or  _ How did you know?  _ or  _ Did you read my mind? _ but no words come out of his mouth.

“Troy told me about you being ace,” Abed explains when he realizes that Jeff is speechless. “I hope you’re not mad. It wasn’t on purpose. Troy is just  _ really _ bad at keeping secrets.” Abed pauses and chews on his lip. “The second part was actually a leap of faith,” he admits. “I really like you, and I think maybe you like me too…I think maybe we’ve waited way too long to have this conversation.” 

Jeff can’t speak, but he can see just fine. He realizes that Abed’s initial confidence has worn off; he’s swaying slightly in his seat and frantically messing with the cube in his hands. Jeff wills his voice to come back.

“I’m worried I won’t be enough for you,” he blurts out, and then stares wide-eyed at Abed. “I— You were right. About both things. But I need you to know that I understand if I can’t give you what you want. If what I have to offer isn’t enough.”

Abed looks at him for a long time with a puzzled look on his face. When he finally speaks, his voice cracks a little.

“I want  _ you,” _ he says. “That’s all that matters. That’s all that’s ever mattered, and that’s all that ever  _ will _ matter.”

“Even though I’m—”

“Even though you’re.” 

“Even if I—”

“Even if you.”

“Stop interrupting—”

“No.”

Jeff glares at Abed, but it quickly melts into a smile.

“Can I kiss you?” Jeff asks. Abed nods and leans forward.

It’s perfect. It’s soft and simple. It’s new and familiar at the same time, it’s warm and comfortable and safe. 

“I’m scared, too,” Abed murmurs when they pull apart. He blinks a couple of times. “I’m afraid of being too much. Too difficult. Too...abnormal.”

“You’re not,” Jeff says. “You’re perfect.”

“So are you.”

They kiss again, and Abed pulls Jeff close and hugs him. 

“Tell me what you like,” Abed says when he leans back. “What you’re okay with. Be honest.”

“I don’t like—”

“No.” Abed interrupts him again. “Sorry. But. I don’t want to hear about what you don’t like, I want to hear about what you  _ do _ like. We can talk about the other stuff later. I just...want this, right now, to be about what feels good.”

Jeff is speechless again, so naturally he just dives back in to keep kissing Abed. It’s as perfect as the first time, and the second, and it gives him a chance to let his brain settle and his thoughts clear up. This time, when they pull apart, Jeff puts his arm around Abed.

“I like kissing,” he says quietly. “Obviously. I like holding and being held. Cuddling. Sleeping together, in the literal sense. Holding hands…”

**ix.**

Eventually they do talk about what Jeff doesn’t like, and Jeff realizes it’s actually something he’s never really thought about before — the specifics of what he doesn’t like and what he doesn’t mind, what he’s willing to do and what he isn’t. No one has ever asked about his boundaries, so he never really thought to define them. 

Abed is patient with him, and they write it out as a list, easy and clear, just to have for future reference.

“I don’t hate sex,” Jeff tells Abed. “It’s probably not something I would choose to do, if I were the one choosing. But if you want to do it sometimes, I wouldn’t necessarily be against it.”

“Maybe we’ll just play it by ear,” Abed replies. “I don’t want to pressure you into anything, so as long as there’s clear communication I’m sure we can figure out what works best for us. But I need you to know that if you never, ever wanted to have sex, that’s okay with me.  _ Please _ don’t feel like you have any sort of obligation, or like you’d be letting me down. Because you wouldn’t.”

“Are you sure?” Jeff whispers.

“Positive,” Abed says. “Want to know something?”

“Yes.”

“There are some times when I don’t want to have sex at all, because the physical contact is overwhelming, or because I’m exhausted from being stuck inside my head for too long.” He gives Jeff a small smile. “And there are other times when I do have the desire, and I can very easily take care of it on my own, and that’s perfectly fine with me.”

“Okay,” Jeff says. “That is good to know.”

“Honestly,” Abed says, “it would be more difficult for me if you didn’t want to kiss or cuddle, because I like those things a lot most of the time.”

“You don’t have to worry about that,” Jeff says, and kisses his temple.

When they finish making Jeff’s list, he turns to Abed and says, “Your turn.”

“My turn for what?” Abed asks, looking confused.

“We’re gonna make a list of the things you like and don’t like, too. The stuff I should know if we’re going to be in a relationship, so we both feel safe.”

“Oh,” Abed says. “Does this mean you really do want to date me?” 

“Of course I want to date you,” Jeff says. “Do you want to date me?”

“More than anything.”

“Good,” Jeff says. “So. Your list.”

“Yeah,” Abed says. Jeff notices him start to twist the spinner ring on his left hand. “Cool. Cool cool cool. Um. I hate loud noises and sometimes I don’t want to be touched and I’m weird about food and sometimes I can’t speak and I have some minor tics I can’t really control.” He says it all very quickly, so quickly Jeff almost doesn’t understand, and then Abed stares at Jeff with wide eyes.

Jeff writes it all down, and he continues to write as Abed thinks of other things, preferences and quirks and behaviors, and each one of Abed’s that Jeff writes down makes Jeff feel a little better about his own list.

When they’re done, Abed snuggles up against Jeff on the couch.

“You really think this can work?” Jeff asks, taking Abed’s hand in his own and spinning his ring around.

“Yes, I do,” says Abed. “Also, that feels really good.”

“For me, too,” Jeff says, and leans his head to rest on top of Abed’s.

**x.**

(Shirley does call Jeff, eventually. 

Tells him that she’s pretty sure she’s attracted to women, but coming to that conclusion took a twice-failed marriage, a change in churches, and Jeff helping her realize that it's never too late to figure something like that out.

They become a lot closer after that.)

**Author's Note:**

> Asexuality is a spectrum. This fic is based heavily on my own experience. It’s not the same for everyone. <3
> 
> Feel free to reach out to me on tumblr [@1mechanicalalligator](http://1mechanicalalligator.tumblr.com/)!


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